Today's rant is about gimmick guys. After my long hiatus at the beach for the 4th of July, I observed so many of these guys at the bar I was close to judo chopping them in the throat. I did not get arrested for assault, but these guys absolutely deserve a rant.
First of all, let's discuss tank tops. Yes, I understand that tank tops are "in" these days, but gimmick guys have the worst tanks ever. Wearing a tank top that says "White Girl Wasted" will get me to laugh, but wearing one that says "I'm a Rockstar" or "Ninth Wonder of the World" and has an arrow pointing to your penis is not funny. It's gross and egotistical, not to mention that all of these sayings are probably completely untrue and don't represent you at all. Your gimmicks aren't working, your tank top is terrible. Please don't ever talk to me at the bar. And if you do, be prepared to be ignored (at best) by me and my friends.
Next up is another gimmick: temporary tattoos. Because you have no game and can't talk to women, you bring temporary tattoos to the bar as an ice breaker. The only problem is that it took you eight drinks to get up the courage to even come over to a girl to offer her one and start a conversation. By that time, you were so hammered, you could barely stand up. And you want to put your hands on me to apply a tattoo? Gross. That being said, you still found one drunk girl at the bar who was more hammered than you and let you dip your fingers in your drink to get the tattoo wet and apply it on her. Seriously?!? You just stuck your hand in a drink to put the temporary tattoo on?? God knows where your hands have been and the last time you washed them during your 4th of July weekend drinking bender and now you are touching someone else? Vom.
Next up is pins, rings, and accessories. Gimmick guys LOVE to bring pins that light up, rings the light up, or any accessory that blinks in general. I know you are trying to get my attention, but anything that blinks is distracting. I can't focus on talking to you while you are giving me a seizure, so just turn it off. Also, don't propose to me with a ring pop either. I will not "ooh and ahh" or giggle. You are only going to cause the candy ring to melt all over my finger and then all over my hand and arm. And if you think I'm going to tease you with it by acting seductively with it, it won't happen because I'm not a hooker. Just leave my friends and I alone so we can drink in peace.
To all the gimmick guys out there, just stop. Work on your interpersonal skills and talking to people and maybe you'll have better luck with the ladies. Donate your awful tank tops, throw away your temporary tattoos and your blinking accessories. Thanks to you, half of the bar is now epileptic!